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Bobby Heenan commenting on Hogan's entrance music:
Heenan: That's my second favorite song.
Monsoon: I'm almost afraid to ask. What's your favorite?
Heenan: All the rest are tied.
Bobby Heenan on some Jobber: "I once asked him what came at the end of the sentence... and he said "parole"."
"He looks like something that fell out of a deck of cards!" -- Bobby Heenan on Oliver Humperdink
Gorilla : "Hello ladies" (referring to the Rosatti sisters. The Rosatti's are several rather large women who, among other things, were regulars on the short-lived USA Network program The Bobby Heenan Show.)
Brain : "I guess the rodeo's in town again"
Bobby Heenan on the Ultimate Warrior: "This guy makes coffee nervous."
Gorilla & Bobby on the Rosatti sisters:
Brain: "I looked it up. You know what Rosatti means in Italian?"
Gorilla: "Sure. It means red, rich, full..."
Brian: Nope...it means lard.
"Do you have any bald ice cream?" -- Bobby Heenan
Bobby Heenan on Jobber Rikki Atakki: "Once you wrestle Rikki Atakki, an hour later you want to wrestle him again."
"You know why there were only 220 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had one car."
"Do you know Koko B. Ware's mom's first name? Tupper."
"The Barbarian's shoes are Hair Jordans" -- Bobby Heenan
"Just look at the way he hangs in midair!" -- Bobby Heenan on a freeze frame of Typhoon
"Tito Santana is like a cue-ball. The more you strike him, the more English you get out of him." -- Bobby Heenan
"When's the last time you went into a barber shop and saw everyone there unconscious?" -- Bobby Heenan on Beefcake
Bobby Heenan on Kerry Von Erich: "He's the only man I know of who can hide his own easter eggs."
"By the time The Iron Sheik gets to the ring, it will be WrestleMania 37!" - Bobby Heenan
"When The Phoenix Suns are missing two basketballs, they'll know where to look!" - Bobby Heenan commenting on a porn star's gigantic breasts
Bobby H & Gorilla on Tito Santana:
Bobby H: Did you know Tito holds a place in Guinness Book of World Records?
Gorilla: Yeah? For what?
Bobby H: He picked 1,600 heads of lettuce in 1/2 an hour.
Gorilla: Will you stop...
Gorilla & Bobby on Adrian Adonis:
Gorilla: He's quite lethargic.
Bobby: And slow.
"Hey, he speaks pretty well for a guy who just ate 2 lbs of crackers." -- Bobby H on Lou Ferrigno's speech impediment
Gorilla : "Hey Brain, they recognized you" (again talking about the Rossatis)
Brain : "The only thing they recognize is a buffet"
Gorilla : (Referring to Koko B. Ware's bird, Frankie) "Those birds can live to be twenty-five or thirty years old"
Brain : "Not in my house"
Gorilla : "I'm sure"
Brain : "If he was in my house he'd be in a shake 'n' bake bag; do you like your parrots original or extra crispy?"
Gorilla : (His favorite response to anything Bobby says, exasperated) "Will you stop?"
Gorilla is talking about the last match, and Bobby is on the banana phone with someone, trying to get advance tickets to WrestleMania VII, and one listens carefully and hears, in rapid succession:
"That's right, tickets are going on sale"
"Well don't get smart with me, I'll slap you in the mouth"
"Do you want me to knock ya down?"
and as they pan off to an ad,
"I'll talk to you later mom"
Heenan: I KNOW who the Assassin is!!!!
Schiavone: Tell us, Bobby, who?
Heenan: He's the guy down at ringside wearing the mask!
"A friend in need is a pest."
I have an old newspaper column written about Heenan when he was managing the Valiant's in the AWA during the 1970s. His final comment to the interviewer was:
"The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce."
Gorilla: "That was an illegal move!"
Brain: "No it wasn't."
Gorilla: "Yes it was!"
Brain: "No, it was a legal move, it was a Greco-Roman Hair Pull."
One was, after a match with Battle Cat, they went back to the studio. Heenan said:
"You know, Big Boss Man's mom used to wrestle." "She wrestled as Battle Sow."
(Bobby on Hillbilly Jim)
Brain: "Now THAT'S no way to introduce a man like Hilbilly Jim!!"
Monsoon: "Well, how would YOU do it, Brain??"
Brain: "Ladies and Gentlemen... the HICK FROM MUD LICK, HILLBILLY JIM!!!"
(Bobby on Kerry Von Erich and his Tornado Punch)
Brain: "Oh my, what a GREAT scientific move! A punch to the head!!"
(Bobby on the WWF's 1-900 number)
Gorilla: "Kids, ask your parent's permission before calling."
Brain: "And if they don't give you permission, just take a baseball bat, sneak up behind them, and BAM!"
(Bobby on some random doctor saying the Bushwhacker's Power Walk is good for you.)
Monsoon: "What do you think of THAT, Brain??"
Brain: "Does the word 'quack' mean anything to you?"
Brain: And the little runt--
Gorilla: Did I hear you call Jimmy Hart a runt?
Brain: No, I was clearing my throat *HA-RUNNNNTK*
Koko B. Ware enters the ring with this wild new hairdo; stripes running front to back dyed in parakeet colors. You can almost hear the gears start to turn in Heenan's head.
Brain: "Do you know what Koko calls his new hair style?"
Gorilla: (With a groan) "No. What?"
Brain: "Afroturf."
At Havoc 94 Flair walks by Bischoff and Brain was holding up 4 fingers. Hogan walks by after Flair has entered the cage.
Bischoff: "When Flair walked by he held up 4 fingers. That was the sign of the 4 Horsemen"
Brain: "When Hogan walked by I held up one finger"
WrestleMania IV:
Brain To Bob Uecker: "You received 7.000 votes to get into the Hall Of Fame. You'd have gotten a lot more, but you ran out of stamps."
Mocking Gorilla Monsoon: "There's one to the cervial dervial part of the back"
Referring to Sherri
Brain: That's my pin-up girl
Gorilla: I think you should see your oculist
Brain: There's nothing wrong with my feet
Again referring to Sherri (and Shawn Michaels)
Brain: She is in love with that man
Gorilla: Yeah, but is the feeling mutual?
Brain: Pardon?
Gorilla: Is the feeling mutual?
Brain: Oh, what do you think, she's there, isn't she? He doesn't allow any bim.... uh woman to be there
Gorilla: Bimbo? Did you say bimbo?
Brain: I didn't say that, I coughed. I said 'Buimmmh'.
"I had a guy give up one time during instruction."
Brain: I'm Indiana's favorite Bobby
Gorilla: You couldn't even carry Bobby Knight's towel
Brain: Who?
During Undertaker match
Brain: C'mon ref. 1,2,3,4,5
Gorilla: What are you doing?
Brain: I'm showing ya. The referee could've broke the hold. He's intimidated by that monster.
Gorilla: Why don't you go down there and referee?
Brain: I'm needed here.
Gorilla: What would you do if you were the Hitman (in a title match)
Brain: Well, I'd have my agent buy it for me and if that didn't work I'd take him out back and waffle him with a tire iron.
Referring to locations receiving WrestleMania VIII
Brain: 30 countries?
Gorilla: Yes indeed
Brain: Spell em
Gorilla: I don't know who's the legal guy in the ring
Brain: Danny Davis, the referee
"You know they say money can't buy happiness. Give me 50 bucks and watch me smile"
At SuperBrawl V, during the Blacktop Bully & Dustin Rhodes matchup:
Schiavone: The Colonel is loaded, I mean he paid $75.000!
Brain: You being an authority on loaded!!!
At WMVIII, when Roddy faced Bret for the IC title...after Piper showed some professional courtesy for Bret: "You know that show of sportsmanship....the respect for each other, the enthusiasm they have....makes me sick!"
It was last year (1994) on WCWSN, some time after the SuperBowl. Brain: Tell ya what Schiavone. Let's make a wager in the Superbowl for fifty bucks. I'll take the Cowboys and you take the Bills.
Schiavone: The Superbowl was two months ago.
Brain: Who won?
Schiavone: The Cowboys
Brain: You owe me fifty bucks.
Bobby: You know, if you want to be fair to Flair, you've gotta be fair and say that's heck of a robe. Only a man as fair as Flair, would show up at WrestleMania....
Gorilla: WILL YOU STOP!!!!
Ross: Back in Oklahoma, Bobby, we called a match like this a slobber knocker
Bobby: I thought that's what they called the waitress at the Tip Top cafe in Downtown Tulsa.
Ross: Hogan's giving the money away!
Bobby: Hold my headset! I'm gonna go get some cash!
"Thank goodness for next year, huh Ross. Indoor plumbing comes to Oklahoma."
"You know how some people can palm a basketball? This guy (Gonzales) could probably palm a Buick"
Regarding Davey Boy Smith: "Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo"
Bobby: There's gonna be a lot of trouble there in the Macho household.
Gorilla: What are you talking about?
Bobby: Well, he's been reinstated, right? He can wrestle again.
Gorilla: Yes.
Bobby: Who's gonna do the dishes?
Gorilla: Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are.
Bobby: You're kidding.
Bobby: Right here in Jim Louis Arena.
Gorilla: Joe Louis!
Bobby: Joe Louis, sorry.
Gorilla: Who's Jim Louis?
Bobby: Who's Joe Louis?
"It's four against four. Do you realize Duggan's looking across the ring and sees eight."
Gorilla: I have trouble telling the Beverly's apart.
Bobby: Beau's the one with the blond hair.
Brain: This (back of the truck) has got to smell like Dustin Rhodes' living room.
Brain: There's a beautiful section of Tupelo...18 trailer homes...those are Tupelo condominiums.
Brain: That's the good part of town...notice there were only 38 cars up on blocks.
Brain: Dusty and Dustin's dinner plate (trough)
Brain: (as crowd chanted USA) It's a shame Tony that Tupelo, Mississippi isn't part of the USA.
Schiavone: Well, Duggan is at a disadvantage in this type of match
Brain: He is at a disadvantage when he wakes up.
Brain: Do you realize if an Avalanche hit this town, they could apply for Federal Aid and get 18 or 22 bucks?!?!
Brain: That's a shame for Sting, cause if you go to the hospital in this town with a bad leg, they shoot you.
Schiavione: This is a great town.
Brain: They should tear it down and build a slum
Brain: Whip him, whip him, whip him like a dog, then kick him!
(During Survivor Series)
"And tomorrow, I'm having a bunch of guests over to my home in Beverly Hills, turkey for everyone, only 8 bucks a head at the door."
(To Piper)
"I heard a rumor that your mom and dad ran away from home."
(In reference to Stu and Helen Hart in attendance)
"You know why they're nervous? They snuck in. They're looking out for the usher."
(During IC title match)
Brain: Don't touch that referee Perfect!
Gorilla: Why? A disqualification will save his title.
Brain: O.K. Then nail him!
"If I was managing the Bushwhackers, I'd commit suicide."
"He (Piper) used to get his lunch wrapped in a roadmap."
Ross: Virgil almost beheaded at the feet of the Headshrinkers.
Bobby: Well, it's not a big loss.
Ross: Virgil is unconscious.
Bobby: When Virgil's unconscious he's usually on his feet talking to you.
From "Grumbles, Gripes and Grunts" video Shawn Micheals pokes Duggan in the eye.
Bobby: That's a difficult move, he's only got a 50% chance of getting the good eye.
Undertaker does his tightrope walk.
Jim Ross: Look at that balance!
Bobby: I walked all four corners once.
During a Raw match between Shawn and Kamala:
Bobby: You like Kamala, don't you...
Savage: Yes I do.
Bobby: Would you let him do your taxes?
Savage: I'd rather have Kamala do them, than IRS.
Bobby: He saved me a packet last year. I paid 78 bucks, cash!
Vince: 78 dollars?!?....With what you earn..
Bobby: I barely make it by, I'm supporting an orphanage in Fuji don't you know!!
(Gorilla and Brain are arguing over Brain's neck injury. There is a X-ray on the board)
Brain: Of course I'm hurt! (Points to the X-ray in the neck area) Look, right here in the femur...
During a Razor Ramon (heel) vs. Gus Kantarakis
Brain: He's having fun. What did you do for fun when you were a kid, collect stamps?
Vince: What's wrong with stamp collecting?
Brain: Nothing. Know what you do, you find out somebody that has stamps, make friends with them, then when they aren't looking, steal them and sell them. Great fun.
Referring to Jim Neidhart: "The man is nuts! He's got papers to prove it!"
His famous one when the heel cheats: "What happened there? My monitor went out."
Referring to the Bushwhackers and Jamison: "The state of New York could have them legally condemned."
Referring to the Road Warriors: "That's a nice haircut if you're going to the chair."
During the Rockers incident on the Barber Shop: As the were shaking hands: See, one without the other isn't any good.
After the superkick: Oh, I knew he was going to do that. I just knew he was going to do that. He don't need Jannetty.
"Every time I go to that town (Las Vegas), there's a sign up; 'Old Blue Eyes Is Back'. They do that for me."
"How would you like to be his (Vader) neighbor and return the lawnmower late."
During Sherri vs. Rockin' Robin match: "Looks like two ladies at Bloomingdale's fighting over a scarf."
During same match after Brain bets Gorilla dinner, winner picks the place: "Come on Sherri! I've got a double whopper riding on this!"
"This (Paris, France) wouldn't be a bad place, but it's full of Frenchmen."
"You should never hit him (Junkyard Dog) in the head. It's amazing how Mother Nature protects the weakest part of the body with the strongest."
"Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire. They're a lovely twosome, or threesome, or foursome, or twenty-fifthsome"
On WCW Saturday Night 4/16, Brain was talking about the upcoming US Champ tournament matchup, he said something to the effect of:
"The big guy doesn't always win, the smart guy doesn't always win, but the big smart guy sometimes beats the small smart guy and sometimes the small quick guy beats the big slow guy and sometimes the quick dumb guy beats the slow smart guy..."
In reference to Hillbilly Jim - "For crying out loud, McMahon, you're talking to a guy who thinks the
bathroom should be outside 50 feet in back of the house!"
Bobby: "I once knew a couple of Siamese twins."
Hillbilly Jim: "Really? They were born, uh... together like that"
Bobby: "UUUUHHHH, no, a couple weekends ago they had a soldering gun and nothing better to do. DDUUUUUUHHHH
YEAH, they were BORN like that!"
- at WrestleMania VIII
BH: "Death never takes a holiday"
GM: Blah, Blah, Blah
BH: "These things just come to be; Sometimes I feel like I have two brilliant minds"
- Steiners debut on challenge; Rick Steiner does this move where he catches a guy jumping at him and powerslams him...
Brain: Whoa! You know, I can flash back to when I used to use that move!
(During Kerry von Erich vs. Warlord match)
Brain: Warlord's a lot bigger.
Gorilla: Tornado's a lot quicker, Brain.
Brain: Warlord's a lot stronger.
Gorilla: Tornado's a lot smarter, Brain.
Brain: Now you've lied to the people.
"That was Tornado's forte in college. He was a javelin catcher."
(During Roma/Animal match)
Gorilla: Well, he's (Animal) got to keep his eye on Romeo, he's got to keep his eye on Herc, and he's got to keep his eye on you too, Brain. He knows what you're all about."
Brain: Then he needs Duggan, a guy with four eyes.
(During Golf instructions with Gene Okerlund)
Okerlund: It's very important, first of all, to address the ball.
Brain: Hello, ball!
"Parts Unknown, it usually means Downtown Newark."
(Referring to Ricky Steamboat when Gorilla asks why he isn't managing him)
"Yeah, but if the guy burps the wrong way, there go your eyebrows."
Brain: How much does he pay you to sing the praises of him all the time?
Gorilla: Who, the Hitman?
Brain: Yes.
Gorilla: Do you know how long he's been in the World Wrestling Federation?
Brain: Too long.
Gorilla: He'll be here when you're gone, Brain.
Brain: What'd you hear?
Brain: You know, I could make a lot of money with Typhoon.
Ross: How would you do that?
Brain: Well, I wouldn't have him wrestle. I'd take him to shopping centers and let kids ride him for a couple of bucks.
"It's very easy to beat the 1-2-3 Kid. You put a glass of milk down and a couple of Oreo Cookies. When he goes for 'em, put the boots to him."
Brain: How many kids does Helen Hart have?
McMahon: I believe 12, Mr. Heenan.
Brain: Oh, one of each.
"I asked Stu Hart earlier, I said 'Stu, you gotta be proud of your boys'. He said 'I have boys?'"
"Wouldn't you classify that 20 members of the Hart family living together is classified as a ghetto"
(Referring to a beating someone is taking)
"It could be worse McMahon. It could be me."
"I know all about cheating. I've had six very successful marriages."
"With Duggan, taking a shower is a high risk maneuver."
Brain: You know, if you kiss a woman's hand here in Nashville, it's the same as kissing their foot.
Schiavone: Why do you say that?
Brain: Same size, same aroma.
"There's only two kinds of music I don't like....Country and Western."
"Giving the Nasty Boys the Tag Team of the year award is like giving the Cindy Crawford beauty award to Roseanne Barr."
Brain: You know what they call a woman with 2 million dollars?
Schiavone: What?
Brain: Divorcee.
"I'll tell ya. If I didn't have 11 girlfriends, Sherri'd be number one."
"The money's the same, whether you earn it or scam it."
"I don't know why he's (Ricky Steamboat) whining. He's got two of 'em (eyes)."
Tony: I think the fans are pretty much divided as to who their favorite is.
Brain: Yes. One half loves Flair, the other half hates Steamboat.
(After Cactus Jack crashes into ringside railing)
"You'd better get somebody down here. That rail could be damaged."
(In Paris)
"Just like Glens Falls for Jim Duggan. They don't speak English there either."
"Do you know what 'Ariba' means. It means 'Swim faster, the border guards are behind us".
"I'm a legend in this sport. If you don't believe me, ask me."
(Referring to the Steiner Brothers)
"Three toughest years of their life...the eighth grade"
(To Jim Ross)
"Are there any swamps in Oklahoma? Yes, there is. It's called Tulsa."
"Hawaii's the 50th state? I thought it was a suburb of Guam."
Vince: All Typhoon has to do is sit up and tag his partner.
Heenan: You're asking a lot for Typhoon to do a sit-up.
(After a Headshrinker double face smash)
"I did that to my cousin once, now she won't talk to me"
(On the Nasty Boys being on the cover of WCW magazine)
"And when you line the birdcage with it, turn it upside down so you don't scare Tweety"
(On Junkyard Dog)
"His parents had nine months and the best they could come up with is Junkyard?!"
Savage: It's not over till it's over.
Heenan: You know who said that?
Savage: Who?
Heenan: Yogi the Bear.
(On Bret's sunglasses gift to fans at ringside)
Heenan: See, if the father is smart, he should tell her "I'll keep it for you'. Then, at Christmas, give it to her. She'll think it came from her dad. It works all the time.
Savage: Yeah, Christmas in your family must be real, real special.
Heenan: It is. You should see what they get me.
Jim Ross: Perfect's had some problems with his back.
Heenan: Yeah, It's yellow.
"He's (Martel) ahead on points. It's 138000 to 4, as far as I'm concerned."
(From Nitro)
Bischoff to McMichael: Did you ever play (football) while unconscious
Brain: His whole career!
Gorilla: (Bushwhackers schoolboy Lombardi & Horowitz) "That's Communication!"
Heenan: How could you communicate when you have the IQ of a doorknob?
Bobby: Meng has feet like Bob Lanier
Tony: Nobody has feet like Bob Lanier.
Bobby: Some girls here in Tupelo do.
"The prom queen last year was named Bubba"
(As Dustin Rhodes staggers in the truck)
"I've seen Dusty walk like that"
sign shown in france "Yokuzuna did a big mistake"
"I guess the English teacher was off this week"
"What would you do with rope? Give it to Luke of the Bushwhackers for dental floss?"
At Survivor Series '92: "It's the women in Cleveland, they all look like the Undertaker"
Brain: Duggan's an idiot.
Tony: Duggan's an idiot?!?
Brain: So, you agree with me.
Here's one he said on WCWSN last year when a jobber was thrown outside the ring by Jean-Paul Leveque: "Hey, when you hit the floor, keep it down. I'm talking."
Bobby: "Excuse me one minute. (yelling) Hey Stu (Hart), wake up! He fell asleep."
Vince: "He's gonna wake up. He's gonna come over here, Bobby."
Bobby: "That'll take two hours. We'll be off the air."
"Boy, he's a lot bigger than I thought. I thought he was around 4'8". He's got to be close to 4'9"."--Talking about Family Feud Host Ray Combs
"It'll take a good man to beat Tito Santana..it just won't take him very long"
On an episode of Wrestling Challenge:
BH: Gorilla, what's with you naming all the body parts?
GM: I happen to have a knowledge about it. Why don't you try it?
(Heenan does. Skinner kicks a jobber in the stomach.)
BH: There's a kick to the uterus.
On Nitro when Benoit powerbombed Guererro:
McMichaels: That'll change the color of your hair.
Brain: That'll change the color of your shorts.
Regarding Mr. Wonderful's new music: "You know, this is the same music, ladies and gentlemen that they played at Schiavone's third wedding."
"Last year Luna won miss Ontario. Nobody usually wins that"
Savage: Is she (Luna) from Oklahoma?
Heenan: No, she's pretty.
"I'd love to be popular in Barcelona. That sounds like a fun job"
Savage: And where would Rick Steiner be?
Heenan: Probably on Page 3 of a comic book. He'll be there for a while.
"The last time I saw Typhoon move like that is when one of those humanoids opened a package of Little Debbie's snack cakes"
To Piper: "You'd have a good voice, if it ever came out of your throat"
(On how to tell Luke and Butch, in Doinkface, apart)
"Well, one has 3 teeth and the other has 4"
Ross: I used to wear bib overalls back in grade school.
Brain: Toughest 18 years of your life, huh?
(On Rick Steiner's headgear)
"Did he wear those to class?"
"I'd love to see a midget battle royal, throw your man over the bottom rope"
"Have you ever been to Glens Falls? The city limits signs are on the same post."
Brain: That kid has 8 bucks with him, that could buy 18 acres in Oklahoma.
Ross: Land isn't that cheap, but you can get a good deal down there.
Brain: I wouldn't want a good deal down there.
"If your last name was Finkel would you name your kid Howard?"
"Hulkamania is going to die here tonight in Texas. And what a horrible place to be buried"
(Regarding Bull Nakano on Nitro)
"I think she's rather attractive... in kind of an oriental way."
(During a Nasty Boys match)
Schiavone: "A drop toehold by one of the Nasty Boys, believe it or not."
Heenan: "That was an accident, believe me."
(During World War III taped fist match between Big Bubba Rogers and Hacksaw Jim Duggan)
"What I would do is I would take the tape off of Duggan's fists and tie his hands behind him back. Then I would hit him so fast and so hard I'd knock his eyes straight. All three of them."
(Referring to Duggan)
"His grandmother was a taped fist champion. His father was an Irish Setter."
(One from the late 80's when Miss Elizabeth was around Randy Savage in the WWF. Elizabeth walks out to be interviewed by Mean Gene Okerlund,who is already standing in position)
Monsoon: "Wow, look at that. Beautiful."
Henan: "I don't know, he's sort of going bald!"
Heenan: Do you know how hard it is to go through 11 million dollars?
Tony: "Can't say I do."
Heenan: "OK! Let's try it like this. Do you know how hard it is to go through 9 dollars an a can of spam?"
(On Steiners Michigan letter-jacket)
"Did the University give those to them to label them morons???"
(On Pillman's career with the Bengals)
"They would have won, if they traded him."
(After Dave charged Bubba in the corner and got kicked in the mouth)
"Good, Dave! You hit him with your mouth on the bottom of his foot!"
(Regarding William "The Refrigerator" Perry, on Nitro)
"The last time I saw 'The Refrigerator' move like that was when Ditka handed him the ball... or they opened the buffet line!"
Schiavone: "You know, over the history of this sport there have been a lot of managers who have taken their wrestlers for a ride. Isn't that right?"
Heenan: "OH, I've HEARD... I've heard of managers doing that, but I know from my experience as a manager I couldn't do enough for my wrestlers... "
(After Schiavone gets done talking about the WCW-sponsored car in the Busch Grand National Series)
Heenan: "What kind of horses do they have?"
(WCW Main Event 1/7. Heenan is talking on phone while Okerlund is talking about something. Okerlund turns to Heenan to get his opinion and Heenan says that he is trying to book a room at Caesar's for the upcoming Clash of the Champions. He continues talking into the phone)
Heenan: "Yeah, and I'd also like three rollaways."
Okerlund: "Three rollaways????"
Heenan (still talking into phone): "Oh, and three for him, too."
Heenan: "... like my old friend Mike Ditka says."
Monsoon: "Your unemployed friend Mike Ditka?"
Heenan: "He didn't want the job there anyways."
(After a near 3 count)
Heenan: "Bossman's mother could count faster than that."
(Again on the Bossman's mother)
Heenan: "Her goatee is thicker than his."
Monsoon: "My cab driver told me he could have gotten five times what he paid for his (Royal Rumble) ticket."
Heenan: "If I had a few of those, I'd be out front."
Vince: "There are three Canadians left in the battle Royale, with the Quebecers and Rick Martel."
Heenan: "And Adam Bomb's from Three Mile Island. That's like Canada."
(WCW Saturday Night 1/20/96 - Heenan is commentating on an Anderson match)
Heenan: "Have you ever been to Minnesota during the winter, Schiavone?"
Schiavone: "No, I haven't Bobby."
Heenan: "Best two hours you'll ever spend."
Heenan: "Do you know where (Col. Robert) Parker proposed to Sister Sherri?"
Schiavone: "No."
Heenan: "On the front lawn of Graceland."
Schiavone: "In Memphis, Tennessee?"
Heenan: "No, in Des Moines, Iowa, DUH... YES, in Memphis, Tennessee!"
(During a Pillman/Benoit v. Armstrongs match on Worldwide the Brain had really cracked up Schiavone to the point where Schiavone missed a couple of moves because he was giggling)
Schiavone: "Folks, I apologize for laughing at this man... "
Heenan: "Why? Everybody laughs at Scott Armstrong!"
(Schiavone's talking about the Parker/Sherri wedding)
Schiavone: "Just you wait, six days from now, Colonel Parker's gonna be so upset, his hat isn't even gonna be white anymore."
Heenan: "Or nine months from now, when the triplets come ... one of each."
Schiavone: "Yeah, huh... (LONG pause) ... what?"
Heenan: "You've never been to the maternity ward in Bucksnort, have you?"
"There's nothing better than a good, blind referee."
(Talking about Koko B. Ware)
"He gives up a little bit of height to Webster"
Alfred Hayes: "Thank you so much Bobby for that kind introduction."
Brain: "It was written down. I didn't come up with it."
(After Cobra gives away his dog tag to a fan)
"That's an authentic dog tag from that man. You can get maybe 6 or 7 bucks for it at the pawn shop."
Schivone: "I wouldn't let you do my taxes, either."
Brain: "I don't do my own, either. I have my friend do mine."
Schivone: "Oh really. Who's your friend?"
Brain: "Never mind. He won't be out for another 6 months."
(Regarding the Booty Babe)
"She should get arrested for impersonating a lampshade."
(At WrestleMania VIII, from Indiana, during the eight-man tag match. The fans are chanting "USA")
Brain: "You know why they're chanting 'USA'"
Gorilla: "Why, Brain?"
Brain: "Because there's a rumor that Indiana is a foreign country."
(Talking about Jerry Lawler as he enters the '93 Rumble)
Brain: "You know, Jerry Lawler is the host of WWF Superstars."
Gorilla: "I thought Vince McMahon was the host of Superstars."
Brain: "No, he gets him coffee and shines his shoes."
Brain: "The bad thing about the Bushwhackers is that win, lose, or draw, you gotta have everything you got on fumigated."
(At RR '92, after Piper had just clothesline Jake Roberts as he was about to DDT Flair)
Brain: "I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Roddy! It's a kilt! It's not a skirt! It's a kilt!"
(And after Piper had just kicked Flair as he had Roberts in the figure four seconds later)
Brain: "Why, you no-good freak! You skirt-wearing freak! It's not a kilt, it's a skirt!"
(At WMIX. Savage, Ross, and Heenan are talking about how Lex Luger has mysteriously knocked out every opponent he's faced with his forearm.)
Savage: "Muhammad Ali couldn't knock out every opponent!"
Brain: "Phhhhb! Now, you don't REALLY think that you could compare Muhammad Ali, to the NARCISSIST, could you? (laughs)"
(At Uncensored, as Rhodes and Bully's truck passes a farmland)
Brain: "There's the downtown area of Tupelo. Did you see the skyscrapers? Two stories."
Ross: "I didn't see any tag there!"
Savage: "There wasn't one."
Brain: "You have sunglasses and a hat over your eyes."
Ross: "I don't have any sunglasses on, and I didn't see it."
Brain: "Yeah, but you're from Oklahoma."
Gorilla: "This place is going crazy! Look at the Hulkster pointing to all of his hulkamaniacs!
Heenan: "He's not pointing to anybody, he's showing off how high he can count!"
(Dustin roads is standing on top of the turnbuckle pounding someone. Dustin starts punching, the crowd starts counting the punches)
Brain: "I've never been so surprised in my life."
Tony: "You're surprised that Dustin is dominating this match?"
Brain: "No, I'm surprised that the humanoids can count to 10... "
(From Worldwide... During Kurasawa introduction, trying to explain the US/Japan cultural differences)
Heenan: "You see, in America you kick to the base of the skull with the right foot, and to the lips with the left foot, but in Japan, you can do it with either foot, ou can be ambidextrous."
Schiavone: "You are so full of it."
Heenan: "I beg your pardon!"
(Later the same match. Kurasawa had been kicking the jobber exclusively with his right foot during the match, which Schiavone brought up)
Heenan: "Yeah, but in Japan, you know, they drive on the right side - the LEFT side of the road, it's the right side for them, and we drive on the right side of the road, so it's reversed."
(Schiavone was listing all the people Heenan had lied to)
Schiavone: "You lie to Steve McMichael, on Nitro live every Monday Night."
Heenan: "Yeah, but that's different, his best friend is a dog so that's okay."
"You know, you can bang the Nasty Boys' heads into the turnbuckles all you want, it doesn't matter, it just makes the turnbuckles stickier."
Brain: "There is nothing quite like a good blind referee, except for a rich mother-in-law who likes to go bungee-jumping with a chainsaw."
Heenan: "What's the first letter in the word 'and?'"
Tony: "'A.'"
Heenan: "No, you didn't hear me. What's the first letter in the word 'and?'"
Tony: "'A!'"
Heenan: "Forget it. You must be Canadian."
(While NWO papers are dropping, after Syxx hits the button)
Eric: "Can't they arrest him for littering in a public place? Get some security out there!"
Brain: "Yeah, put him to sleep!"
(During the Shawn Michaels/Marty Jannetty Intercontinental Title match at Royal Rumble 93, Michaels threw Jannetty out of the ring)
Brain: "Shawn, you gotta piledrive him on the steps, break his neck and his shoulders."
Monsoon: "Will you stop!"
Brain: "It's a good amateur move!"
(From same match as above)
Tony: "It's a no win situation arguing with you."
Brain: "You can win, it'll just cost you some money."
"If a guy sticks his hand out to you, shake it..and then kick him real hard when he's not looking."
Brain: "If you can't comment on the match right, then leave."
Monsoon: "I'm outta here."
Brain: "Don't go yet, I gotta ask you another question."
Bischoff: "We have a new World Heavyweight Champion!"
Brain: "No, we have a new WCW Heavyweight Champion!"
"Go head Ric, get outside the ring... make him come to you... pick up a chair!"
(Talking about 70-year old Angelo Poffo)
"He got his cane stuck in the sand and walked around in a circle for hours."
(Eric Bischoff, about the Nasty Boys talking with Hulk Hogan regarding their joining the New World Order)
Bischoff: "Let me tell you something guys... Nasty Boys... if you believe that, then you're dumber than you look."
Brain: "They couldn't be that dumb!"
(Brain's comeback to a Gorilla comeback)
Gorilla: "Stop it or I'll have you taken out!"
Brain: "What? The host?"
(On Bret Hart giving his sunglasses out)
"There he is, buying fans again."
(Referring to Hacksaw Duggan)
Heenan: "... and that man. Back in the ring after that operation."
Schiavone & Dusty Rhodes (in unison): "What operation?"
Heenan: "He's a brain donor."
(On the Armstrongs)
Brain: "Oh, the Armstrongs won't win this one, they're quitters!"
Schiavone: "That's not true, do you make this stuff up?"
Brain: "No, Bob Armstrong himself told me that!"
(During a Oct 1996 WCW Worldwide. Shavionne is talking about managing and how Heenan needed talented wrestlers to succeed at managing)
Schiavone: "So brain, your saying you managed all your wrestlers to the top by yourself, whether they were talented or not?"
Brain: "Oh, I see you read my book!"
(At halloween havoc '94 the Nasty Boys are carrying two Halloween masks of 'Beavis and Butthead')
Schiavone: "Are those 'Beavis and Butthead' masks they are throwing into the crowd?"
Brain: "Well, I know what 'Beavis and Butthead would say if they saw the Nasty Boys."
Schiavone: "What?"
Brain: "Heh heh heh heh Nasties SUCK! Heh heh heh heh... "
(This was from the mid 80's and Tito Santana's tag team partner is getting beaten up in the ring)
Monsoon: "I can't believe that Tito Santana hasn't come out here to help his partner."
Brain: "He can't come out here, immigration is sitting in the front row!"
(At Great American Bash 1995, to Gene Okerlund)
"I don't need you to make a fool out of me."
(On an episode of Prime Time Wrestling. Heenan and Monsoon are in the Old West)
Chinese Laundry Guy: "Ah, ah-so ah-so."
Brain: "What did you call me?!"
(Also at Bash at the Beach '94. Shaquille O'Neal is holding up the WCW World Title Belt)
"The belt looks like cufflinks for O'Neal."
(On WCW Main Event, talking of what it's like to wrestle against Chris Benoit)
"I'd rather go down to the San Diego Zoo, dressed like a pork chop, and jump in the lion's pen."
(After doing a guest color commentary)
"Well Rod Trongard, it's been your pleasure and the fans' pleasure that I sat in with you."
Brain: "YOU'RE (Bischoff) better looking than Jack Nicklaus!"
Bischoff: "So are you, Bobby!"
Brain: "Oh, I knew that!"
Bischoff: "Our good buddy, Kevin Greene, got two sacks yesterday, if I read USA Today right."
Heenan: "Yeah, at the 7-11. One was full of beer, the other nuts."
Bischoff: "No, no... got them against the Minnesota Vikings."
Heenan (laughs): "Who couldn't?"
"You know Dusty Rhodes used to love to go duck hunting, but he quit because he didn't do too well. He couldn't throw the dog high enough."
(During a squash match. Rough & Ready against Prince Iaukea and a NBSJ: Never Before Seen Jobber)
Brain: "What is he the prince of?"
Schiavone: "I suppose one of the South Pacific islands... maybe Fiji, maybe Tonga."
Heenan: "Maybe Newark."
"What the FUCK are you doing?"
-- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan to Brian Pillman during a live WCW Clash of the Champions broadcast, January 1996
amateur
typhoon
